Always There

A while ago, my husband was trying to comfort our one year old daughter after she woke up while I was working on my son’s baby book. (Yes, my son is already three and no I haven’t finished his baby book. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one in this situation though.)
She cried and cried. My husband said it was her normal scream for when I wasn’t there. I’d heard it a few times before but this time it pierced my heart. It brought up in me the feelings from when I was little and spending the night somewhere, away from my parents. I don’t know how long this anxiety lasted, but at least until the age of six and it lingered through my teenage years.
It was awful. I would feel this overwhelming sadness, anxiety and fear. I would cry and cry and cry. Usually somewhat violently so that when I did calm down I would have those hiccup-like sniffles for probably an hour afterwards.
When I finally took my daughter, she had those same sniffles.
I sat down with her and held her close. I was so relieved and comforted that I could comfort her. She stopped crying as soon as I took her but clung for awhile. I held her and patted her and told her all was safe. And in that moment I had somewhat of a vision.
I saw in her face that of a teenager who was suffering just as much as my one year old just had, though for much different reasons. Then my mind’s eye took over and I saw a college student, away from home, in anguish over some very real life trial.
I wanted to tell her that I would always be there to give her this comfort when she was in a time of need and that when I couldn’t be there physically then… Here I stopped. Then what? It felt as if there was nothing I could say that would take the place of being there. It made me pray right then and there that I would always be able to have the Holy Spirit with me and that He would tell me when any of my children were in need of me.
I want to be there with a phone call, an email, a text, a package, whatever can help most. When my kids are not with me I still want to know when they need my help and how to help them. When they are older but still at home I pray we will have a relationship that allows us to come together in times of need. To bond and be close and open up with each other.
I still don’t know why it was so hard for me to be away from home when I was young. I guess I just grew out of it. I remember my mom asking me why I felt the way I did when I was away from home. I didn’t know.
Maybe it was to help me better understand my daughter.


One thought on “Always There

  1. Linda Whitehead says:

    If you are really serious about being in tune the Holy Spirit will tell you when your children (no matter how old they are) need comfort, connection, compassion, even when you are far away from them, sound asleep, busy. It is a blessing and a burden of motherhood that never goes away. I know your Mom would agree with me.

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